


The Cliff

by HelenRichardson



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, One Shot, Post Episode: s01ep17 Homeworld Bound, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Steven Universe Future, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, it's mentol illniis innit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:07:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28106766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HelenRichardson/pseuds/HelenRichardson
Summary: An angst dump oneshot wherein a post Homeworld-Bound steven gives up trying to fix himself.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	The Cliff

**Author's Note:**

> Before reading: this story contains a lot of bad vibes, including suicidal idealization and discussion of suicide. You've been warned.

Don’t pick up, don’t pick up.

The ringing came louder than he expected it to, making him jump. Steven bit his lip and held the phone at arm’s length. 

Every new ring seemed to last just a little bit longer, time stretching out to fill the empty space. He fought to make his breaths come slowly as wind whipped past his face. 

_ Please _ don’t pick up.

There was a click from the other end. 

"Hello, you've reached the voicemail of Connie Mahashwaren. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible."

He let out a sigh of relief and opened his mouth. Closed it again. What could he even say?

“H-hey, Connie. It’s Steven. I just...I wanted to apologize. For everything-” he choked back a sob, dammit not now, “-everything I put you through recently. I thought I could fix things by...well, I’m sorry. I’m just sorry.” 

Numbly, his fingers found the hang up button. He stared at the phone for a moment. Then, he walked the last few paces to the edge of the cliff, passing the lighthouse on his way. He leaned out as far as he could while still gripping the fence and let go, watching the phone shrink as it fell down. It hit the rocks below and shattered into pieces.

Panic was still flickering at the back of his mind. It was telling him to get a grip, to go back down to the house and figure this out, to do  _ something _ . But whatever bits of hysteria that still remained were crowded out by the emptiness, that terrible creeping nothingness that filled his limbs with lead. He felt so heavy. So...distant.

The wood of the fence was rough against his fingertips. He remembered when Amethyst had fallen, before it was there. If he aimed it right, the force could be enough to crack a gem. It probably wouldn’t shatter it, but he was half human. Gravity could take care of the rest.

Another gust of wind whipped past his face. He barely felt it. The outside world couldn’t touch him anymore. 

Steven leaned against the fence and stared at the sky.

_ Any time now _ , he thought.  _ Give me something _ .

But in the hour that he waited, the sky only got darker. 

He sucked in a deep breath.

“I thought I saw you up here.”

He turned, watching Connie climb up the last few feet of the hill and scamper over to him. Her cheeks were flushed with exertion. Tendrils of hair had escaped its ponytail and were blown backwards by the wind. She looked beautiful and alive and watching her hurt.

She was carrying a picnic basket, the same one they’d used to go on picnics together when they were kids. “I brought some food,” she said. “Thought we could have a picnic and watch the sunset.”

Numbly, he sat down beside her. “I’m not hungry.”

She thrust an english muffin into his hands. “Eat anyway.”

He stared at the muffin in his hands. It had jam on top, the same kind they’d use when they were kids. “Doesn’t this have like, way too much sugar in it?”

“Steven.” He could see out of the corner of his eye that she was staring at him. “Eat.”

He took a bite. The sweetness threatened to overpower his taste buds at first. How long had it been since he’d last eaten? His stomach growled in response.

Connie smiled at him. “See?” 

He couldn’t bring himself to look at her. 

After a moment, her face fell. “I got your message,” she said quietly. 

“Yeah?”

“I tried to call you back, but it wouldn’t go through.”

“I broke my phone.”

“Oh.” She fiddled with her fingers. “I wanted to say that it’s okay. I know you’ve been...going through some stuff. I don’t blame you.”

Shame washed through him. He shouldn’t have sent that message. “I...okay.”

“You know, my mom knows a specialist. She thought maybe you could visit her? It might help with the swelling thing because if it’s primarily emotion-driven-”

She sounded distant, like he was underwater.

“-and I really think-”

“It’s okay, Connie.”

She paused. “What?”

“You…” he squeezed his eyes shut. “You don’t need to worry about it.”

“Are you just saying that to get me to stop talking about it?” Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her shoot him a tentative smile. “You can’t shut me out that easily.”  
He couldn’t stand to see her face anymore. “Shouldn’t you be studying?”

She frowned. “Steven, are you okay?”

“You should go home. You’re missing study time.”

“Please talk to me.”

He turned away. “What do you want me to say?”

“I want you to tell me what’s wrong.”

“Nothing’s wrong.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “Please, just leave.”

“I’ll leave if you come with me.”

He frowned. “What?”

“Come over to my place. We can have a sleepover. Like old times.”

“Connie, I…” His throat felt thick. “I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I...I don’t want to.”

“I don’t think that’s true.” She put a hand on his arm. “Come on. Just tell me what’s wrong.”

“Please don’t…” he couldn’t choke out the rest of the sentence.

“I’m not leaving until you tell me.”

“No.” He wrenched his arm out of her grasp. “Connie, please just go. You’re making this so much harder.”

“Making what harder?” But from the tone of her voice, he could tell she already had an idea. He stayed silent. “Steven? Making  _ what  _ harder?”

“I shattered someone, okay? They could have been  _ dead _ .” He turned to her fiercely. “Are you happy now?”

“But she isn’t dead, Steven. You healed her. She’s okay.”

“Wha-” He gaped at her. “You  _ knew _ ?”

“She was the last person to talk to you before you disappeared. I thought if I knew what happened, I could help-”

He shook his head. “That doesn’t- why are you here?” She started to say something, but he cut her off. “No, it doesn’t matter.” He buried his head in his hands. “Don’t you get it? I can’t fix this. I’m so, so tired of trying.”

“Steven.” The compassion in her voice made him want to scream. “How many gems, how many  _ people _ have you helped in the past four years? You were always ready to show them love and forgiveness. Why are you any different from them?”

“Because I’m tired, Connie.” He stared down at the rocks below. “I’m sorry. But I don’t feel alive anymore.”

This time, her voice cracked. “Steven,  _ please _ .” 

He didn’t look at her.

“You don’t need me. None of you do. You’ll be fine.”

“ _ I want to be more than fine!” _ Tears spilled down her cheeks. “I never  _ needed  _ you, but I  _ want  _ you. I want to video chat with you every time I take a study break, I want you to be there when I graduate, I want to move into a little house with you and fall asleep next to you and make breakfast with you in the morning. Don’t you want that too?”

Steven felt his shoulders starting to shake. “I don’t think that’s possible for me anymore.”

“It is. I  _ know _ it is because you deserve it. After everything you’ve done, you  _ deserve  _ a happy ending. And if the universe isn’t going to give it to you then I’m going to spend every moment of my life fighting to make it happen.”

And finally,  _ finally _ some of that terrible emptiness inside of him cracked and gave way, and Steven found he was sobbing. 

“Connie…” he choked out. “When did just being alive start to hurt? I just want to stop hurting.” 

She hugged him, and he clung to her like she was the only solid thing in the world. She ran her hands through his hair, and little by little he stopped shaking. When he could breathe again, she leaned back and wiped a tear from his eye.

“You’ve never fought anything alone,” she said. “You don’t need to start now. Just let us help you.”

“I can’t-” He took a shuddering breath. “I can’t see a way out from here.”

“Then we’ll make one.” She gripped his hand tightly. “ I can’t say that it’ll be easy, but we’ll do it together.”

“It’s not fair to put this on you, and the gems, and-”

“Steven.” He finally met her eyes. They were bright and shining. “I would do this a hundred times over if it meant I’d get to have you in my life. It’s worth it.  _ You’re  _ worth it.”

He took another shaky breath. “Okay,” he whispered. And just a tiny bit more of that emptiness broke apart, flooding his body with adrenaline, and he found that just for a moment he could feel something again. The wind whipped against his face and he shivered from the cold. Connie was smiling at him hopefully. He found himself wanting to smile back. “Okay.”


End file.
